RSPS

Colin Drops The Ball(s)

2011-10-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Bread + People = Delicious Puns

2011-01-22T12:32:00.001-08:00

This, people, THIS is why the Internet exists!!!

Go to Bread People and check out more shimmering brilliance.

The Land of Enchantment...and Puns.

2010-12-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

Found these in New Mexico.

From "Weird" Al Yankovic's Twitter

2010-09-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

EPIC FAIL!!

Fucking Insanity

2010-08-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Get it?

Two Quickies

2010-08-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

This first one is from NPR's Wait Wait don't tell me. My wording may be slightly off, but the credit is still theirs:

A town in the midwest has proposed a law banning speaking before the local council without clothes on. Because apparently they have a problem with this. While I'm mostly ok with this law, it will put a stop to all of those erogenous zoning conferences...

This next one is from the video game DeathSpank, which is also the name of the main character. The following is from a conversation he has with a villager:

Aged Adventurer, when asked to regale Deathspank with tales of heroics: "I once infiltrated a group of vampires that were posing as door to door vacuum salesmen"
Deathspank: "That must have been interesting"
AA: "Not really. "It sucked on many levels"

This is WHY he's so good...

2010-07-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

Lovecraftian Ice Cream Chains:

The Great Cold Ones
Only The End of the Swirled Again
Daagon-Dasz
The Strange Taste of Charles Dexter Ward

from Neil Gaiman's Twitter.

The Font of Eternal Puns

2010-07-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.
You want puns?
YOU WANT PUNS?!?!?!?!
Then check out Eminem's new album "Recovery".
Almost every song is chock full o' delicious puns, such as...

"...stick my dick is a circle but I'm not fucking around..." - Cold Wind Blows

"...shake that ass like a donkey with Parkinson's..." - Won't Back Down (feat. Pink)

"...here I come, screaming "Attack!" like I just stepped on one..." - Almost Famous

"...call me Fire Marshall because I'm shutting shit down..." You're Never Over

And many, many, MANY more

Maine: The Pun Tree State

2010-06-21T09:33:00.001-07:00

While in Maine the last week I managed to find a few puns.

Ones that I could not photo were "Mainely Used Cars" and the "Blueberry Jam Band Festival" where jam bands played at a festival celebrating, yes, blueberries.
And, finally, I picked up a PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION of a pun.
You'll see that soon.

Professional Journalism

2010-05-05T09:14:00.001-07:00

So you may have heard about that dud of a carbomb in Times Square last weekend? The cops may have caught the man responsible, but it was Jon Stewart of the Daily Show that figured out exactly why.

Now that is what I call professional journalism.

Friends are the best

2010-04-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

From one friend, some sad news.

From another, a legal matter.

Thanks, friends!

Police Cheif Doles Out The Pun-ishment

2010-04-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, the well-dressed man you see here modeling his Iphone is a policeman. In fact, it is Raymond Kelly, the current Commissioner of the NYCPD. I did a little research on him this morning. You've got to respect man with a resume as long as his. But he's not just a pretty face here to sell you a phone. No no no! Apparantly, the New Yorker knows how to be a wise-ass too. From gawker:

Brooklyn Restaurants’ Secret Menu Offering: Weed

Police have shut down six businesses for allegedly selling weed through their back doors and even over the counter. Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said of the Chris Restaurant in Crown Heights: "At lunch it turned into a veritable pot-luck event."

I think I like the NYPD just a little bit more now. But only a little.

So that is two posts in a row with pot related puns, only one of them was created while the punner was high, and for the record, in neither case was I punner.

Which reminds me: Have you guys ever heard that Inspector Gadget song that The Clash covered? You'd know it if you heard it. The refrain goes "I fought the Claw and the Claw won."

good night.

Simply Irresistable

2010-04-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

I really do try hard not to pull things from tfln. I try. This one is just too good:

"he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong."

Bravo.

This isn't the Clinton administration!

2010-04-01T07:58:00.001-07:00

(cough)

via gawker.com

They Never Forget...NEVER.

2010-03-31T20:54:00.001-07:00

What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Swim.

AM I 13?

2010-03-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

Ripped from the headlines!

Chicken Wing Prices Soar While Breasts Sag

Yes, I am 13 years old.

London Calling

2010-03-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

From London, via regular contributor Jess:

Jay-Z To Invest In Arsenal?

A week after Puff Daddy was improbably linked with Crystal Palace, a more plausible mash-up between hip hop and the Premier League has emerged: Jay-Z is considering an investment in Arsenal, at least according to this pun-tastic Daily Mail article. Shawn Carter, as he's probably known to his dentist, is a self-confessed Gooner, having fallen in love with the team when the swaggering of Thierry Henry was a regular sight in north London, and in an interview with Arsenal Magazine, hinted that he'd be interested in ploughing some money into the club, "if the right opportunity presented itself". Fans might enjoy seeing the rapper's many millions spent on new playing staff, but other areas of the club infrastructure are in rude health: to judge from the fine playng surface at the Emirates, Jay-Z may have 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one. (You're fired. Eds).

Pop DSiva?

2010-03-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

When Pop Sensations meet video game sensations....

Via kotaku

More comic Mining.

2010-03-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

thanks, guys.

Quickie

2010-03-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

That guy at the spa really hates the women he works on. He's a Massage-onist.

Brine and Pun-ishment

2010-03-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Now I love pickles, but you should never play poker against a pickle. Or rather, avoid games like Texas Hold-'em or Omaha, where the diller always has an advantage.

And watch out for this guy:

He goes by Dilly the Kid.

........
As a side note I would like to share something with you, dear reader, that I find puzzling. Having come up with the line above about poker and pickles, I went to google to search for a proper pic to accompany the pun. Into the search engine I typed the following: Pickle & Poker.

Below is not the first but the second image google thought matched my query:

The description said something about 'Japanese Pickles,' but I did not get the reference. All I can say is that this looks like a fine place to hide a pickle, but that seems like a fairly imaginative interpretation of 'Pickle & Poker' for a search engine. Is the google search engine becoming sentient? Is that sentience just now going through puberty? Does google have acne? How many licks does it take...

I should stop.

PLAY, FREE BIRD!!!

2010-03-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of the BBC and CAKE.

40 Wild Birds Playing A Gibson Les Paul Guitar

Haiku

2010-03-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

A haiku about Voltron from Jess Wade:

How did I not know
You moved in lame stop motion?
You lion sack of...

snaps!

Reader Submissions: FINISH HIM

2010-02-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

So I REALLY wanted to post the rapscallions pun myself (because I was quite proud of that one too...) but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew I needed to post this reader submission first and I've been a lazy lazy basterd about it.

So anyways, this was submitted to me early in the week by Gus, who found it on the SFist blog:

Comment du Jour: Sunset Shootings & Pho Pun

After SFist commenter Joel mentioned (in "Pedestrian Hit, Killed By Car Fleeing North Beach Shooting") a recent gang-related shooting in front of Kevin's Noodle House in the Sunset, saying, "I think I'm gonna stop eating pho for a while," hillarys_quivering_lip responded thusly:

"Good call, Joel. I enjoy your comments and would be sad if you became another Photality."

Let it be known far and wide that SFist adores a good, corny pun.

With a close silver medal, billywags lands in second place with the following quip:

Damn, even streets named after Vallejo suck.

Nicely done, folks.

Nicely done, indeed. Thanks to everyone involved in making these puns possible. And please don't hesitate to send us your puns. We love 'em all here.

Round up.

2010-02-25T11:32:00.000-08:00

Here is a few random things that I've found while iLurking.

First, Puppies:

from , a semi-regular font of punnery.

and now, More Puppy Pimping!!

Brought to you by the wonderful people at bmezine.

This needs no introduction:

If you want, you can buy your own fisticup here. Tell 'em we sent you. Maybe they will give us a finder's fee.

and finally, boobies

from mookie, who, as far as I'm concerned is an honorary Pun-dit, he just doesn't know it.

that is all.

The. Perfect. Pun.

2010-02-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

So.
Usually, Mr. Goldberg and I will lob puns at each other like rotten cantaloupes spring-loaded with flechettes...with the intention of causing discomfort and agony.

But a few days ago, I received a pun so pure, obvious and beautiful in its simplicity I was utterly disarmed and transported to a place of verbal Nirvana.

You ready?

Hip hop vegetables?

Rapscallions

Dark Waiters

2010-02-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

So I had two lines of thought this morning:

1)A bartender's tombstone reads 'Dead Men Sell No Ales'

A doomsayer's tombstone reads 'Dead Men Fortell No Ails'

2)When an expectant mother writing a letter uses a comma it is called a 'pregnant pause,' and when she finally ends a run-on sentance it is colloqually known as a hysterical pregnancy.

...and when she want to write you a letter but doesn't thats called an abortion. (too far?)

but these lines of punnery were blown out of the water by this image:

AVATIZERS

Thank you internet. You feed my dark flame.

(via gawker.com)

The Technicolor Yawn

2010-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

From Texts From Last Night :

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

Pun? Pun?! PUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

2010-02-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

Among all the other crazy, mindfucking shit Hideo Kojima is into, he also digs puns.

Behold: Metal Gear Solid Piece Walker

Who says cancer isn't funny?

2010-01-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

Procured, without anyone's approval, from The Non-Adventures of Wonderella.

Puns of Steel

2009-12-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

I just walked by a gym that is trying to drum up new memberships. In the spirit of the season they have a sign in their window that reads:

"Merry Fitness!
(and have a happy new rear!)"

If I wasn't already perfect I would've signed up.

Arrrrr....

2009-11-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

If a bunch of pirates were smuggling face cream, lotions and other products like that and they got angry at someone would they Kielh haul them?

Even Cowgirls Get The Moos

2009-11-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

This deserves your attention. It is probably nsfw.

Here is a closer view of certain notable parts of the anatomy.

My thanks goes to Warren Ellis for this one.

and you can thank me later for avoiding any obvious udderances...

damn it.

Your Princess Is In Another Castle...This Cabbie Knows Which One

2009-11-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Video Shows Super Mario Bros. Assualting Cabbie On Halloween

It's unclear what, if anything, this has to do with rescuing the princess, but the Super Mario Bros. roughed up a cab driver on Staten Island on Halloween. They were caught on video by a gas station surveillance camera, and the whole thing would be a lot more amusing—the Post calls it a "joystick-up"—if these bastards weren't actually, you know, beating somebody up. (Or if the driver was dressed like a turtle.)

Police are on the lookout for the Mario and Luigi impersonators and two other costumed men. The driver says the fight started after one of the assailants tried to reach into his pocket after he drove them home shortly after 4 a.m. on November 1st. The driver pulled into a gas station on Arthur Kill Road and asked the suspects to pay the fare and exit the vehicle. Instead, they flipped out just like stereotypical Italian-American plumbers on mushrooms, then fled with an unspecified quantity of gold coins.

Anyone with information about the case is being asked to contact Crime Stoppers by calling 1-800-577-TIPS, where operators are standing by for your crank calls.

Mr. Goldberg and I discussed whetheror not we should post this here.

I said that postig this would be in the spirit of the moment from an episode of The Simpsons where we see Marge cutting out a headline for Jay Leno.

The headline reads "KETCHUP TRUCK HITS HAMBURGER STAND" and, underneath that, "Six Dead".

That is all the justification I need.

However, I doubt the cab driver will be tipping his cap at the plethora of bon mots scattered throughout this article like diamonds.

Blood isn't thicker

2009-11-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

This all happened in england, so please imagine the children speaking like extras in Oliver Twist, the police fat and red-faced, and remember that cars are on the wrong side of the road. Oh, and this is TOTALLY TRUE:

A woman comes home from work one night to discover her son has completely covered the front door to their apartment in raspberry jelly. When she asks him why, he responds "Everyone keeps telling me the door is ajar so I thought I'd fill it up, but now its just a doorjamb!"

The police, of course, ruled it to be a justifiable homicide.

Some newshound heard about the story a week later. In retelling the story, the reporter made some inflamatory remarks on the evening news about the police; claiming that police discretion relaibly lead to greater infractions down the line. The mother, having killed once, now had a taste for the red kroovy and was sure to kill again.

The local constable responded quickly to defend his officer's judgement. "There are lies, jam lies, and statistics," he said.

'The child was a nutter,' continued the constable, 'completely obsessed with jams.' It turns out the kid had, on multiple occasions, been caught shoplifting strawberry jelly red-handed. He was constantly filling printers with blackberry jam. He was implicated in an incident wherein a jar of the stuff was thrown from a highway overpass onto the windshield of a commuter, causing one of the worst traffic jams in recent history. Though the constable couldn't prove it, he was sure the child was also responsible for the strichnine laced bottles of mango marmalade that arrived at a local recording studio with a note explaining these were 'some sick jams.' Thankfully, there were no fatalaties.

When his mother, the police and child psychologists asked the child why he did these things, the child shrugged and said 'I jam what I jam.'

It seems the mother had finally had enough. It would be morbid to discuss the manner in which the child died. Lets just say corpse is well preserved.

After hearing the full story, the reporter apologized on air to the police, admitting this was certainly a sticky situation.

(Not So)Superpuns

2009-11-11T10:39:00.001-08:00

Alternate ttile:
"Over?...Over?! Nothing is over until we say it is!"

I suppose you could call this RSPS' First Ever Pun-Off.
Mr. Goldbreg sent ME something horrible and I responded in kind.
Here are the glistening, stinking results.
Enjoy.

What if Krypton was the home of some incredible landscapers instead of incredible scientists?
Would that mean Superman's villain would scream "Kneel before sod!"?

What if Clark Kent was an alcoholic?
Would his nemesis then scream "Kneel before grog!"?

What if Superman had a debilitating addiction to out-of-date fads?
Would his nemesis then scream "Kneel before POGS!!"?

If someone asked Superman if he preferred Dr Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog or Battlestar Galatctica would he yell "Neil before Saul!"?

If Krypton were overrun by hideous amphibian/man hybrids or the Muppets?

Kneel before frog!

If Superman REALLY dug seafood?

Kneel before scrod!

If Superman were attacked by AI from MIT?

Kneel before COG! (look it up, I'm brilliant)

If Superman were a Catholic?

Kneel before God!

Getting drunk at an office Christmas party?

Kneel before nog!

If Superman were from the Dirty South?

Kneel before hog mog!

If Superman were in an episode of Ren & Stimpy or Twin Peaks?

Kneel before log!

If Superman fought swamp thing?
Kneel before BOG!

Lois Lane has a plumbing problem?
Kneel before CLOG!

(also, if Superman had a foot fetish for Dutch women?)

Superman's secret identity outed online?
Kneel before BLOG!

Kirk defeats Superman?
Kneel before Captains Log!

Superman develops cataracts or visited Silent Hill?
Kneel before Fog!

Superman gets into S&M?
Kneel before Flog!

And NOW it's over...for now...

Sins of the Father

2009-11-09T10:14:00.001-08:00

This comes from the esteemed Colin Goldberg's esteemed father: Mr. Goldberg.

Confucius say: if you cannot find the book you want, then you are probably in the:

Ripped From The Headlines!

2009-09-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

Specifically, from this week's Onion:

Policewoman Stripper Takes Bra Into Her Own Hands

smile-ucra

2009-09-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

So our new friend Jess hasn't contributed directly to this beautiful blog yet, but there was a conversation yesterday in which she perpetrated a few choice puns upon me. It was an online conversation, so I don't have to try and tell you a story about how you should've been there, which is never fun, instead I simply hit copy and paste and I have effectively TAKEN YOU BACK IN TIME. As a side note, I love all these technical jee-jahs. we need more of them. anyhoo, the conversation proceeded thusly:

Colin: Hey baby. Anyone ever told you your circumference is derivative of your area?
Jess: nice pick up line. ladies will be swooning, or slapping you, all night long.
C: thanks! yeah its really hard to tell if its a compliment until you get the girls radius, and that certainly isn't an easy thing to figure out. do they print that info on the bra tag?
J: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. quite so. 32-38 = thumbs up; 38 and higher.... back away slowly
C: Good to know
J: Math puns are the first sine of madness.
C: ooooooooohhh. Well played. Thinking about it, trigonometry seem ripe for the punning
J: cos it's so hilarious?
C: 'xactly
J: my friend is an english teacher. in the science teacher in her school's class
he pinned up a tshirt that says "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
C: Teachers are the best pun nerds ever. that is awesome.
seriously though, do you think if I used that line in a bar i'd get slapped?

I just want your extra time and your.........

2009-09-16T21:08:00.001-07:00

Couldn't decide which was better, so...

Get it?

Does this taste monkey to you?

2009-08-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, I arrived at the pun on my own but couldn't find an image that worked for me.
I mentioned it to the venerable Mr. Goldberg who reported that someone had already gotten there.

Mine would have been of a lion eating a monkey with the catchphrase as a caption.
Oh well.
The next picture is just fucking hilarious.

The first is from squelched.com and the second is from the brilliant Goats web comic.

He takes a pen and paper and he WRITES THINGS DOWN

2009-07-15T01:11:00.000-07:00

Stolen, without consent, from McSweeney's.

Heavy Metal Board Games

BY ANDREA BELLEMARE

- - - -

Whitesnakes and Ladders

Motley Clue

Twister Sister

Black Scrabbleth

Guns 'N Risk

Slaynium

Jenga Priest

AC/cheesi

Hungry Hungry Skid Rows

Steppengories

Although, personally, I wouldn't consider Guns 'N' Roses heavy metal.

An In-Tents Experience

2009-07-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

So I was 'camping' this last weekend. Had a great time, thanks for asking!

ANYWAYS on the last day of the trip I was tasked with removing a pole from the ground. It didn't go well. While I'm no Adonis, I am a generally competent person. I couldn't get this tent pole out of the ground to save my life. I yanked. I pulled. I used a hammer. The damn thing wasn't budging.

It was edifying to see someone else go through all the steps I just tried with similar results. When he gave up and a third person stepped up to the pole I said 'If you think you're getting that out of the ground you are sorely mis-stake-en.'

He growled "that was horrible!" and with epic effort ripped the pole out of the ground. "I didn't peg you for a punner," he said.

I was too scared to point out his response was also a pun.

ANOTHER PUN THAT CAME FROM THIS CAMPING TRIP (tangentially, because its really cool)

You've heard of heavy petting? Heavy juggling has nothing to do with that. Its when juggle really heavy things like bowling balls. Great arm workout. Anyways, this is light juggling.

IS A TANGENT OF A TANGENT PARALLEL TO THE ORIGINAL?

YOU TELL ME

And In This Corner

2009-07-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Mr. Guyet has been nagging me to add Jess Wade to our pool of punsters, and after seeing her previous pun-blog I can see why. Welcome to the party Jess.

Make us bleed.

A long one

2009-07-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

I return with 4 things to chew on and another post to follow welcoming a new poster to the RSPS. Ok. Here we go.

1)Pickeled Baby Seal meat. Trust me, it is delicious. If you thought clubbing baby seals was just for good times, think again. Walter Mermont owned a fish cannery in Anchorage Alaska. as the economy went down the shitter, so did his revenues. Mermont decided to see if he could make some money off of his favorite pastime: killing defenseless baby seals. First, he worked as a tour guide for aggressive wall street bankers in hiding, then he would skin the creatures and sell the pelts either to the bankers as souvenirs or to elite clothing companies. The problem was he was left with this skinnles seal carcass afterwards, and they were beginning to pile up. Without thinking much about it at the time, Mermont brought the bodies to his cannery. A few weeks later, he opened the first of the cans to discover he had hit paydirt. He's distributing them throughout all of alaska now and working on expanding into canada and the continental US. You can order up to 5 cans air-delivered for ridiculous shipping fees. Do it. You do not want to miss this. As the can's say "Make sure you're sitting down when you take the first bite, because the flavor is garunteed to knock you out. Just like the old adage: Brined Seals, All Swoon"

2)So I heard a word the other day that is an excellent pun, but i'm probably late tot eh party on this one: Trustafarians. Best. Name. Ever. You know who I'm talking about.

3)
from gws

4)
another one from Lucid TV

happy monday.

Behold!

2009-06-22T10:50:00.001-07:00

It's Monday.
I feel a bit like wet cardboard, so let's keep this simple.
Really Simple.

This is the day the lord has made

2009-06-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

TFLN is a fun website to go if you want to read about how other people are enjoying their own personal self-destruction. Lots of fun wacky comments like 'Then I vomited in his a$$hole.' Its hard to tell sometimes if its all true, or if people are making things up to see what the Internets reacts to. I'm sure some of it is made up, but thats okay. I can relate to people who create random lines in order to watch people squirm. Thats kinda the point of the RSPS. With that in mind, this appeared on TFLN sometime yesterday:

(518): I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
(612): May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.

Amen.

Who You Gonna Call?

2009-06-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

The Geese Police!

Got an infestation of Geese? Call these guys. You know they're serious because their motto is "Call us to get the flock out!"

God Bless America.

I must share this

2009-06-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have to promote this youtube video because to ignore it would be a crime. If you have never played Settlers of Catan you are selling yourself short.

the Catan Puns are easy. Wood For Sheep is the old standard (until boats came along I always prefered the combination of wood and sheep to put brothels in my city) but this video also has the 'Insane in the Grain' pun which I am sad to admit I had never thought of before. Brick and Ore puns are not hard to come by either. The game just lends itself to punning.

So: Go play the game for its inherent awesomeness and pun-tential, go watch the video to see someone in a superhero costume try to make catan trades in times square.

I looooove my penis.

2009-06-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Big ups to Danielle for sharing this.
Little ups to Danielle for NEVER UPDATING PAULIE ALL THE TIME WITH ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH ME UNLESS SHE'S TRYING TO IMPRESS A GUY WHICH IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN DANIELLE? SHE SHOULD HIRE SNIPERS TO KEEP THE MEN OFF HER SHE'S LIKE CANDY HOT HOT CANDY.
But I digress.
Thanks for the heads up, D.

Swine flew...I mean swine flue...I mean...

2009-06-04T10:22:00.001-07:00

Cogito ergo sum Snake.

2009-06-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

E3 begins today.
And only one other person reading this knows what that is.

AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!!

2009-05-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

Jade sent me this a while ago.
And now it's here.

I guess he got a clean bill of health...

2009-05-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

From the bbc:

Hungarian stork gets a new beak
Tamas Kothay made an artifical beak for the stork out of synthetic resin

A stork with a damaged beak has been given a new, artificial one thanks to experts at a bird hospital in Hungary.

The stork damaged its beak in an accident and was taken to the Hortobagy Birds' Hospital, 180km (111 miles) east of the capital Budapest.

The bird's lower beak was repaired in an operation and Tamas Kothay, a specialist in dental prostheses, built a new top beak out of synthetic resin.

If the bird makes a full recovery it will be released back into the wild.

Dr Deri Janos, who helped in the one-hour operation to fix the top beak, said the stork had probably broken its beak by flying into a wall.

They believe the bird is about three years old.

Without the operation it would have needed hand-feeding for the rest of its life and would have been unable to return to the wild.

The bird hospital has been in operation since 1991 and has returned about 40% of its patients back to the wild.

hooray for science! hooray for puns!

You know...for kids...

2009-05-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, one of the nightmareish Great Old Ones is coming out with a children's toy.
He's calling it the Cthula Hoop.

He's also working on a program where you can watch television shows on the Internet.
That's called CtHulu.

link a link a link

2009-05-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this link with you guys. Gotta give credit to the folks who give credit to the folks who are coming up with some stellar puns!

I'm in the mood for love...simply because I'm near yew...

2009-05-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the dendrophile who got kicked out of Central Park?
He kept trying to copse a feel...

What every fashion designer needs in their new spring collection:

2009-05-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Mayhem!

2009-04-30T20:48:00.001-07:00

Because of the recent swine flu outbreak, R.E.M. have recorded new versions of some old hits (a la Salt N Pepa's "Let's Talk About AIDS") for an upcoming charity album.

Tracks include:
"It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Fear Swine)", "What's the Frequency, Bacon?", and "Everybody Eats (Pork)"

Is that the Dali Lama?

2009-04-30T06:37:00.001-07:00

No, its Dial-A-Lllama!

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS

The Low End of Low

2009-04-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

There's a new Marilyn Manson album coming out, The High End of Low.
As of right now, it doesn't sound like it's going to be that great.
The first single is called "Arma-Goddamn-Motherfuckin'-Geddon".
Uh...I thought of this some time after...yeah.
It helps if you've heard the song, but it still works...beautifully.

Are YOU Experienced?

2009-04-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

So...in Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy", you'll find a sample of Jimi Hendrix's "Third Stone From The Sun".
I guess Right Said Fred was secretly way into Jimi's music.
Gives new meaning to "The Wind Cries Mary"...

Oh My Gawd!

2009-04-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

This one comes from Gus Collins. Thanks, Gus!

Mmmm....baaaaacon...

2009-04-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

As I drifted 'twixt the shores of substance and smoke this morn', I came across an excellent pune...

What would you call a delicious pork product that always knows exactly where you are?

Homing Bacon.

And if that product knew where you were at all times in 1984?

Big Bacon, of course.

May flights of angels bring you delicious bacon.

Snicker snicker...

2009-04-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

I ride the subway at least twice a day and, because of this cursed height, I am often eye level with the ads.
In recent times, I have come across far too many "Snickers Cars".
With the terrible "Snickers puns" plastered all over them.
Some examples:

Tres drole, non?
Non.
I plan to send these to Snickers.
Thoughts?

Get yourself checked for...
Snackyphilis

Worship at the altar of...
Shub Nougatterath

Get accused of...
Statutory snack

I loved Gene Wilder in...
Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Snacktory

When there's no room in hell, the dead will walk the earth in the...
Zombie Chocpocalypse

You tell me.

2009-04-22T12:51:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure about this: Would a pig using an oven be a pun or just ironic?

Modern Mythology

2009-04-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to rewrite mythology. We need a new one. Something that we can share globally. A world mythology for the world, instead of just one nation, or one little spec of a portion of a nation. Its going to be gritty and fantastic (in the sense that it will be fantastical). Most of the stories will take place in The City, or possibly the Interzone if William Burroughs estate will let me borrow it. I'm taking suggestions of iconic figures seen in new lights. Here are a few examples:

Elder gods squaring off in televised MMA events. They practice the ancient art of Kung-Fulu.

The River Styx runs through the middle of the city. Charon runs a service called Death and Taxis.

Anybody else got one?

Pancake Make Up

2009-04-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

Aha.
Ahaha.
Ahahaha.

Yes.

An Introduction...

2009-04-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO THE MACHINE

A New Fighter Has Entered The Arena

2009-04-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

I would like all 2.7 of you that read this to give a big warm RSPS welcome to our new pundit, Mr. Paul Guyet. He's submitted so many puns to me since the inception of this blog that I figured it would be easier if I just brought him on as an author. He'll be making his inaugural post shortly.

You have been warned. May the Spaghetti Monster have mercy on me.

C'mon Paul! Show us what you got!

Oh Alf

2009-04-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

So my girlfriend showed me this baseball card yesterday and I figured it should go up here. There was a problem when I scanned it though, and all the text vanished.

In that big red box its supposed to say "Siamese & Mayo, Oh! I thought you said Cinco De Mayo!"

Oh Alf, if you keep punning this poorly we'll have to turn you over to the government...

Sorry, guys

2009-04-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

This girl is wearing leather pantyhose, right? and she's being chased by a rapist. As she passes a dumpster she gets a tear in her stockings. The rapist says "You can run, but you can't hide"

thank you! good night!

You Have My Sword

2009-04-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

This is an extra one from yesterday. Its another t-shirt sold by the folks at Topato Co.

PDP2, LOTR Pt2: MORE-DOR!

2009-04-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Okay I don't know how long this picture has been out on the internet, but its been a personal favorite of mine for a while:

But in 'researching' this post, I've discovered the internet was not happy to leave punny enough alone:

and

and finally...

many of these were found on a discussion thread @ gamespot.com

PBP2, LOTR, PT1

2009-04-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

From Paulie G., who was annoyed that I didn't give him credit for the pictures of Obama last week, we're letting him kick off the Second PUNDAY BLOODY PUNDAY with this rant regarding LOTR and LBP:

Okay.
So there is a video game called LittleBigPlanet.
In it, there is a level editor.
In this level editor, you are limited only by your imagination.
You can create from scratch, utter nothing.
At one point, the esteemed creator of this Pun Aggregate, one Colin P. Goldberg, informed me that he planned to build a wall and then a huge cannon with which to shoot his character over the wall.
I told him that if he made a level themed after the Lord of the Rings books, that it would be...a Mordor cannon.

I then thought that someone owning the three LOTR books and The Silmarillian could be said to own the Mordor canon.

And, finally, if that person happened to be from Hyrule, he might be nicknamed 'Mordor Gannon'.

I apologize for what I have done.
Thank you and goon night.

Beauty is...

2009-04-02T08:28:00.001-07:00

in the many eyes of the beholder.

stolen from robot viking.

have a nice weekend, internet!

World Of Warcraft

2009-04-02T06:22:00.001-07:00

So you know Blizzard, the makers of WOW, the most popular MMO under the sun, and 1 or 2 other computer game titles that are pretty much the last games anyone ever really played on the PC? These guys don't just own the MMO space, they act aggressively to keep it:

I read this article saying Blizzard is implementing some new social networking features in WOW to help players meet each other. Essentially, they've made software that creates character sheets for each player in the game and allows other players to review them in an in-game window. Of course, players are encouraged to personalize these pages as much as possible. They're calling this new service MaceBook.

The Japanese! They're so funny!

2009-04-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

So according to this, here is how the Japanese see the landwar of WWII:

First, Russia goes to war with the rest of Europe.

The Russians?

Russia, it seems, passed on the whole communist fad. Instead, they decided to make their Tsars into Emperors. Or at least thats the story at the top. I'm sure Lenin is just waiting for his moment, but it isn't now.

So its Russia versus the EU sans Germany. Germany (who seem to have annexed Holland, which would explain their love of bread, windmills and pigs with wings) has pulled a Switzerland, staying out of the conflict.

The conflict is not going well for the EU. Idealogically, they don't really seem to be any better than the Russians.

The Russians?

Russia is winning the war with its knack for building absurdly large tanks that cause more damage than your mom in china shop after box of wine. In the metaphor in the previous sentance, the EU is the china dolls that get destroyed, Europe is the box of wine, and your mom is an unstoppable force of destruction. She gets used pretty badly by the Russians on a regular basis.

The Russians?

yeah I know, they have no taste.

Anyways Russia decides to invade Germany/Holland because they've got all these resources that fuel your mom. They need eveything they can get because of how hard they're using your mom.

Using blitzkrieg tactics, the Russians (the russians?) get all the way to the gates of germany's capital city in about a week, where germany's child princess sits on the throne. She's pretty much Theodin without the horse or really any backbone at all. I swear to god I think her aides are keeping her well stocked in opiates for the lack of care she has for anything thats going on around her.

So this Bioligst decides to get in a tank and take on the russians (yeah yeah you get it I know) with a small group of militia. He proves that love of biology, bread and pigs with wings and also having a famous strategist from WWI as a father are all you need to outmanouver and take down a vastly superior force. He drives the russians all the way out of Germany once and for all.

But not before the russians drop a nuke.

For some reason the japanese historians don't fully understand, even though the Germans are fighting the russians on land, it seems that the most strategic way to take this one stronghold was to attack it from the sea, even though they could've MOVED THEIR TROUPS ACROSS LAND FASTER AND SAFER.

Oh and the japanese do talk about the whole 'jew' thing. The jews get a bad rap. It seems the jews were blamed for the german equivalent of sinking atlantis, but the truth is it was caused by this godlike race of beings that wiped itself and its history out in the blast and left the jew holding the bag. So THATS why the russians are rounding up all the jews and putting them in concentration camps. Racism is bad m'kay?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Japanese make excellent electronics, but fail at history. If you think this is bad, you should see their account WWI.

Puns on display

2009-03-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

Display your love of puns proudly by buying this t-shirt! You can buy it here.

Punday, bloody punday

2009-03-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Today I have for you 3 images paying honor to our Commander In Chief, and some of our favorite past times as well:

A bit out of date but I found this on my computer and its still funny.

so say we all.

I'd play that game.

Happy punday!

Off Topic

2009-03-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

So I don't have a pun for you today, sorry. Someone linked the Youtube video called Honking Fail (most bad-ass grandma ever) and I spent the last few hours searching through all the 'Fail' videos. They get a bit repetitive but there are some gems. I would also suggest Snow Driving Fail. So anyways because i'm lazy this is all I've got today:

I prefer to think this is because all mimes are castrated.

stolen from New Math.

have a good weekend folks!

If your IPhone Gets You Laid

2009-03-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

would you call it a Steve Job?

To give proper credit to the author of this pun, Brian O'Brian, I must warn you that the link there is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY NSFW.

adios.

Better Slow Down...

2009-03-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

omg lol rofl! ITS SO TOPICAL. It might even be a TOPICAL THUNDER?

anyone?

anyone?

No? Oh well.

I've created a monster

2009-03-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

So if anyone reading this has any puns they want to share, let me know and you may see them up on the site. For example, these two images come from one Paul Guyet, who is learning to paste pictures together on his computer.

I suspect this is not the last we have seen of Mr. Guyet.

Did you hear about this movie?

2009-03-24T12:35:00.001-07:00

So the first shot of the trailer shows Brad Pitt and Ron Jeremy on a boat, looking out to sea. A bombshell blonde comes up from belowdeck in a wetsuit and both stars turn to look at her. 'okay, i'm ready,' she says and Pitt responds 'then Lets Do This.'

Then there is a montage of scuba-diving scenes and the voiceover comes up: "In a world where pastries grow underwater, the best of the best are know as...

MUFFIN DIVERS"

Goodnight!

Na nunna nunna nunna

2009-03-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

A good pun makes you think, then makes you hurt.

My biggest problem with the new movie is that Heath Ledger never said 'where does he get those wonderful toys?'

This pic was first pointed out to me by my good friend Alan Kistler, whom I'm sure would like me to link something here if I could only remember any of his URLs.

A Barber Shop in a London Airport?

2009-03-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

British Hairways!

And we keep on rolling...

It must be done

2009-03-23T07:25:00.001-07:00

FEAR THE HOTDOG

First!

2009-03-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

This is the inaugural post of the RSPS, the Really Simple Pun Syndication. The stated goal is to scour the internet for the best (or worst) of all the puns out there and put them together in one place for you the reader.

this beauty was stolen without permission from Lucid TV, and you should check them out.